This is me. This is my blog and I try to keep it as real as I can for the 3 of you that read it. I thought about posting something a bit more positive and upbeat, but I am reverting back to keeping it real. So here goes reality.
I had grand plans of being an awesome mom. A mom who is a great example to my children each and every day on how they are to live and be comfortable with how God created them and how important it is for them to keep their eyes on things above. Well, crap, I fail at that every. single. day. Today was no different. In a simple conversation today at work, my boss was eating his lunch and said something that has rocked my world tonight…but first, a little history.
I struggle with self esteem. I am quick to put myself down and point out all my flaws. When I actually let Dan take a picture of me, I make him hold the camera up real high and point it down at me and say, “I’m better from an up angle” every single time. Then I proceed to look at the picture and 100% of the time have an unkind thing come out of my mouth about myself. While I know this isn’t the best module for my girls, it is a daily struggle for me. The one thing I occasionally think I have going for me is that there aren’t a lot of women out there that God has gifted with the ability to run a large household. I have NEVER thought I was a better person or mom for having more children than others. God made some of us to have 1 child and some of us to have 15. The number of children one has (or doesn’t have) does not define your worth as a mom. One month ago we added 2 more to our clan and are in the thick of life with foster children and while there have been daily struggles in learning and growing, we have fallen in love with these 2 sweet little girls and are praying for their mamma every day until they can be reunited. All of this doesn’t accurately paint the full picture of what our life looks like right now, but merely a glimpse into the beginning chapter.
Back to my story. I was in my office today and my boss was eating his lunch and multitasking while he had a moment to sit and talk about the next event we are planning. He had just warmed up his lunch and was eating something that looked delicious. I made a comment about how it looked good and he made a very complimentary comment about his wife and how she makes the best meals and spends 2-3 hours a day cooking for their family. I didn’t really think much of it until he left and I could soak that up.
First of all, we have been out of milk in our house for 2 days and you would think the world has ended here because that means dry cereal in the morning. Second of all, I have never spent 2-3 hours in one day cooking anything let alone have something delicious for my husband to take to work as a leftover lunch. Now, I know this wasn’t said to make me feel bad by any means, but I can tell you that satan crept right in and knocked me down.
After I left work and headed to pick the girls up from their weekly visit with their mom, I had time to think and that is sometimes not a good thing. I mean, he had fresh broccoli and potatoes and some sort of seasoning mixed in with some sort of protein I assume and I am sure was going home to another great meal. Why wasn’t I home cooking some awesome meal like that? I would give anything to be a stay at home mom and I tell Dan more often than I should that I don’t want to have to work. I wanna be that mom making meals and doing Bible Studies and exercising and having lunch dates and weeding the never ending weeds and sewing the perfect costumes for my kids and actually having a clean bathroom. Instead, I fed some of my kids (cause the other ones wouldn’t eat them) Spaghettio’s for dinner. Yup…Spaghettio’s. Why would one even have those disgusting, unhealthy things in their pantry to begin with? Great question. I guess for emergencies just like today. I did provide them with some fruit and vegetables to go along with their helping of Spaghettio’s, but still….that didn’t help my brain feel any better.
I have spent the better part of the night feeling like a failure of a mom. All the other moms I know are skinny. They have their hair done just right and wear adorable outfits. I haven’t done anything to my hair since we moved down here. 5 months ago we pulled out of WI and for 5 months my hair has grown out and needs a good cut and a lot of hair dye. I was going to lose 30 pounds (as a start) this past summer and have probably gained instead of lost. Dan and I say we are going to start exercising almost on a weekly basis and somehow when the alarm goes off in the morning, we hit the snooze button and say we will try for another day. Have you been around those moms that can eat anything and everything and be a size 2 and question why God didn’t give you that gene pool? I could go on and on, but I won’t.
I know all the right things to say to give myself a pep talk and remind me that I am worthy and awesome and loved by my Creator. I am also NOT writing this blog for pity or compliments or words of encouragement. I am simply writing my feelings for today to share with you. I know I am not a failure at life or as a mom, but somedays it sure feels like it. I can list off a number of “things” that I can do that other moms probably can’t, but today I am learning to be okay with my Spaghettio making life. I don’t want to compare myself to others, and as often as I try and resist it, I still do it. Please tell me I am not the only one fighting this battle!
Like I said, it’s been 5 months since we landed on Florida soil. It’s funny how these feelings of inadequacy and comparison weren’t just a “Wisconsin Thing.” God is continuing to work in me…one Spaghettio meal at a time.